THE CENTRAL PA GAZELLE

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Archive for March 2007

Councilwoman Thompson Voted Off Of ‘Dancing With The Stars’

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(LOS ANGELES) – Harrisburg City Councilwoman Linda Thompson has been eliminated from ABC’s “Dancing With the Stars.”

Thompson and her professional dancing partner were kicked off during this week’s results show, after a foxtrot that met with mixed reviews and a mambo that was panned by judges and viewers alike.

Judge Bruno Tonioli told Thompson she danced as though she “had a broomstick lodged somewhere painful.”

The councilwoman and rooky ballroom dancer snapped back, “Well, maybe I do, asshole!”

After the competition, Thompson seemed to have cooled down somewhat. “As someone who was a major [Beverly Hills] 90210 junkie, I’m just thrilled that I got to meet Ian Ziering,” she said.

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Written by centralpagazelle

March 29, 2007 at 9:35 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Landis Hands Out Urine Samples In Quest To Prove Innocence

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(EPHRATA) – In what some are calling a bold attempt to proclaim his innocence, cyclist Floyd Landis distributed free urine samples to attendees at a fundraiser at the Ephrata Performing Arts Center over the weekend.

“I implore you to examine these specimens yourselves,” said the defamed Tour de France winner, “and tell me if they look like the urine of someone who uses performance enhancing drugs.”

“I knew he was innocent all along,” said Bart Longmeadow of Lititz, as he held the sample he received up to the light. “And this confirms it. It’s sparkling and translucent, and I don’t see no drugs!”

The event also served as the official product launch for Gatorade’s newest flavor, Floyd’s Power Punch. According to the label, the beverage “contains enough testosterone to make a grown man vibrate for three solid days.”

Written by centralpagazelle

March 27, 2007 at 9:01 pm

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Lady Fairchilde Lands Lead Role In “Knoll: A Life Story”

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(NEIGHBORHOOD OF MAKE-BELIEVE) – Lady Elaine Fairchilde, best known as the curator of the Museum-Go-Round in Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, has been cast as Catherine Baker Knoll in the upcoming movie chronicling the life of the lieutenant governor.

“Knoll: A Life Story” is expected to hit theaters in December, according to director Ron Howard, who called casting Fairchilde as the lead a “no-brainer.”

“Fortunately, she was available,” Howard said. “Granted, she has been out of work for some time.” The director said he chose Fairchilde because of what he called “striking similarities” between the woman and the rosy-cheeked puppet. “For example, both of them are natives of western Pennsylvania, so Fairchilde’s accent and dialect are already where we need them.” Howard would not confirm rumors that he’s pursuing King Friday for the role of Governor Ed Rendell.

Fairchilde, a distant cousin of State Rep. Russ Fairchild (R-Snyder/Union), said she was flattered to be invited to play the Knoll role, even though some of her ideologies differ from those of the individual she’ll portray.

“There are things I would do differently as lieutenant governor,” said Fairchilde. “For example, I would see to it that the columns on all state government buildings are painted different colors.”

When reached by phone for this story, Knoll said, “Who the hell is Lady Fairchilde?”

Written by centralpagazelle

March 25, 2007 at 9:14 pm

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Developer To Pave Paradise, Put Up Parking Lot

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(PARADISE) – A developer today announced plans to purchase the entire Lancaster County community of Paradise, pave over it and put up a parking lot.

“Eventually, we might consider building a pink hotel, a boutique and maybe even a swinging hot spot,” said John Mitchell, president and chief executive officer of Johnny Mitchell Enterprises, LLP of Blue Ball. “But for now, we’re just going with a parking lot.”

Many of the apple trees belonging to farmer David Haarbusch will be uprooted as a result of the plan. “I guess I can put away my DDT now,” he said.
Several trees located on the property will need to be uprooted, but they apparently will not be destroyed. Harrisburg Mayor Stephen Reed plans to take all the trees and put them in a tree museum. “I expect that we’ll charge a dollar and a half for people who may want to see them.”

The parking lot plan has generated a good deal of opposition in this rural town. “You don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone,” lamented longtime resident Joanne Stoltzfus.

Written by centralpagazelle

March 23, 2007 at 9:21 pm

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Buxton Switches Nail Polish Colors At PHEAA Retreat

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(FARMINGTON) – After years of using Maybelline’s Peach Glimmer nail polish, State Representative Ron Buxton recently switched to Avon’s Sunrise Sorbet during a recent Pennsylvania Higher Education Assistance Agency board retreat.

“It’s a subtle change,” said Buxton, who credits a manicurist at Nemacolin Woodlands Resort in Fayette County with helping him find his “true color.”

“When she first suggested the shade change,” the lawmaker and long-time PHEAA board member said, “I wasn’t so sure. But after thinking about it over a spa treatment, a hot stone and mineral bath, a reach-around and a good deal of booze from our hotel room’s mini-bar, I realized it was the right choice.”

Buxton said the added confidence provided by his “flashy new nails” will help ensure he makes “the best decisions for all of PHEAA’s student beneficiaries, as well as my constituents in the 103rd Legislative District.”

(Photo credit is due to a Gazelle reader named John…thanks!)

Written by centralpagazelle

March 20, 2007 at 8:45 pm

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Midstate Gangs Report For Spring Training

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(LANCASTER) – With the official summer crime season just six weeks away, street gangs in cities including Harrisburg, Lancaster and York dusted off their brass knuckles and reported for Spring Training today.

“It’s great seeing these guys again,” said Hector ‘Blood Nuts’ Gutierrez, as he mingled at an ice cream social hosted by a Lancaster gang. “We’ve all got a lot of catching up to do.”

Fellow gang member Howard ‘No Pop Star’ Jones said he “stayed loose” by knocking over a liquor store over the winter. “I still feel out of shape, though,” Jones said.

Starting Monday, the socializing will dwindle and the gatherings will take on a much more serious tone. Members will attend weeks of workshops, such as “Bustin’ Ass 101,” “Tattoos ‘n You,” and “Balancing Gang and Family Life.”

Spring Training for so called “minor league” gangs, such as those in Gettysburg and Lebanon, convenes next month.

Written by centralpagazelle

March 18, 2007 at 8:47 pm

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St. Patty’s Day Reveler Realizes Lifelong Dream Of Peeing Green

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(HARRISBURG) – After visiting several bars along Restaurant Row with his friends this evening, Justin Binghaur of Lebanon made good on a bet that he could “urinate green before the night is over.”

“I started pounding green beers around five o’clock, but as part of my strategy, I didn’t break the seal until 11:15 p.m.,” the 22-year-old Binghaur said. “Then, when I did, it came out as emerald green as when it went in.”

Binghaur’s friend, Nate Curcillo, accompanied Binghaur to the restroom at the Hardware Bar to serve as official historian of the event.

“I photographed the pee stream with my cell phone,” Curcillo said, “and I stand ready to show it to any skeptics.”

Both revelers said they plan to print out photographs of the feat and send them in to Guinness World Records, though it remained unclear at press time as to whether Guiness would accept them.

Written by centralpagazelle

March 17, 2007 at 11:50 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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