THE CENTRAL PA GAZELLE

A look at what isn't making news across the midstate

Archive for April 2007

Rendell: I’ve Broken 140 Separate Laws In My Time As Governor

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(HARRISBURG) – In response to a Freedom of Information Act request from the Gazelle, Governor Ed Rendell today released a list of local, state and federal laws he has broken during his time in office. The 317-page document seemed to indicate that the governor’s recent admissions about speeding were just the tip of the iceberg. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

April 27, 2007 at 7:43 pm

Perzel Promoted To Master Milker

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(MOUNT JOY) – Three months after starting a job as a cow-milker on a farm in rural Lancaster County, state Representative John Perzel (R-Philadelphia) has landed a key promotion. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

April 24, 2007 at 9:14 pm

Neighbors Recall Parking Ticket Scofflaw As Quiet Loner

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(ETTERS) – Neighbors of Randy Geller, who was arrested over the weekend on warrants for 723 outstanding parking tickets across five municipalities, said the Etters man has always been shy and reserved.

“He wasn’t a troublemaker if that’s what you’re asking,” said Howard Ralston, who lives next door to Geller. “He just isn’t the kind of guy you’d expect to do this sort of thing.”

“Randy didn’t go around bitching about parking meters or anything,” said Judith Riviera, who owns the house across the street. She added Geller mostly kept to himself and “was very much a loner.”

“It just goes to show that if someone like this was living here, his type could be living anywhere,” said Ralston.

Written by centralpagazelle

April 23, 2007 at 3:58 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

PHEAA Unveils New Name And Logo

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(HARRISBURG) – In an attempt to rebuild its image, the Pennsylvania Higher Education Assistance Agency, or PHEAA, has adopted the new name of Pennsylvania Helping University-bound and College-bound Kids, or PHUCK.

“We feel the new moniker better reflects what we do on a daily basis,” said PHUCK Chief Dick Willey.

He added the switch also reflects a transition toward a more accountable and transparent spending process, vowing to “keep tight reins on all PHUCK money.”

“Bottom line,” Willey said, “is that we want students to know they have options. That’s why we’re here to remind them that if they can’t afford it, they can always PHUCK it.”

As the agency launched its new image, officials also used the occasion to unveil a new website or “information network,” PHUCKin.org.

Written by centralpagazelle

April 18, 2007 at 9:05 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Neighborhood Curmudgeon Wishes Rain Was Snow

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(HALIFAX) – Mabel Higgenbottom, known to her neighbors on South Union Street in Halifax as a generally cantankerous woman, said today she wishes the rain that has been pummeling the midstate since Saturday night was snow.

The 86-year-old lifelong borough resident said she was “pleased as punch” when original predictions pegged this weekend’s storm as a Nor’easter that could dump as much as a foot of snow. “But when it was downgraded, it was a real pisser,” she added.

“It’s more fun when it snows,” Higgenbottom said. “For instance, during the big Valentine’s Day storm, I was watching out my window as my neighbor fell and broke his ankle,” she chuckled. “It made my day — hell, my week.”

“Then there was that time someone’s car got stuck outside my house and the poor bastard was left twisting in the wind for at least an hour before help came. Good times, indeed,” she said.

Higgenbottom said her therapist recently put her on medication to curb a condition he diagnosed as “chronic schadenfreude.”

Written by centralpagazelle

April 15, 2007 at 2:34 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

PennDOT Chief “Flummoxed” At Results Of Anna Nicole Paternity Test

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(HARRISBURG) – After bragging to friends and coworkers for more than two months that he fathered Anna Nicole Smith’s baby, PennDOT Secretary Allen Biehler is expressing disappointment upon hearing that he apparently did not.

It was announced this week that the late model’s now-seven-month-old daughter was fathered by photographer Larry Birkhead.

“Wow, color me flummoxed,” said Biehler, who announced at a state Senate hearing in February that he had sexual relations with the model in early 2005. “We crossed paths at a hotel in Las Vegas during a trade convention. She said she dug dudes in transportation,” he explained.

Biehler said the tryst didn’t last long. “It was her drug habit that eventually drove us apart. Anything beyond a little weed, count me out.”

Biehler said he left a message for Birkhead to ask if he could visit with the baby, but the biological father has yet to return his call.

The secretary said he does not plan to challenge the findings of the paternity test. “Submitting a sample was fun, though,” he said. “I wouldn’t mind doing it again sometime.”

Written by centralpagazelle

April 11, 2007 at 9:17 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Easter Bunny Latest Casualty Of Hershey Restructuring

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(CAMP HILL) – Hershey Company Chairman and CEO Rick Lenny personally fired the Easter Bunny last night, immediately following the rabbit’s final shift of the season at the Capital City Mall.

“We made the tough decision to cut Mr. Bunny as we hop forward with our comprehensive strategic agenda focused on increasing our marketplace leadership and developing a global footprint for our iconic brands,” Lenny said in a prepared statement.

“I feel blindsided,” said the Bunny. “It’s already hard enough to make ends meet when you only work one month out of the year.”

Lenny’s statement also said the Bunny would receive “a generous severance package,” consisting of one bag of carrots for each month of service.

The Bunny seemed less than impressed with the deal. “Needless to say, there will be no eggs for that douchebag this year,” the rabbit said.

A Hershey Company spokesman declined to comment on rumors that a Mexican Easter Bunny would be brought in as a replacement.

Several business analysts said they expect the Easter Bunny will find gainful employment soon with another candymaker, with much speculation focusing on Cadbury Schweppes.

Written by centralpagazelle

April 8, 2007 at 11:16 am

Posted in Uncategorized

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