THE CENTRAL PA GAZELLE

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Probe Launched Into Possible Redneck Cluster In The Midstate

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(JONESTOWN) – Three state agencies have agreed to look into reports of a potential redneck cluster in Union Township, Lebanon County.

The action comes after an eight-month investigation by the Central PA Gazelle. It involved interviews with rednecks and non-rednecks alike, demographic observations at local bingo halls and an independent review of dental records, which showed the average township resident has 7.66 teeth.

PennDOT officials plan to examine vehicle registration records to see if the township’s pickup truck ownership rate is disproportional. Also, the department’s inspectors will go door to door, logging any red flags such as curtains in vans and vehicles placed up on blocks in front yards.

For its part, the PLCB will audit sales records from beer distributors in Union Township and compare the rate of Budweiser purchases with state and national benchmarks.

State Agriculture Secretary Dennis Wolff said his department will dispatch workers to the township to “try to get a handle on how many sheep there walk funny.”

Union Township officials are downplaying the investigation. Supervisor Clint Carmichael said, “They’re trying to make us out to be Perry County or sumthin’. My wife — who’s also my aunt — and I resent that.”

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Written by centralpagazelle

April 1, 2007 at 10:09 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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