Zahorchak Achieves ‘Adequate Yearly Progress’ In The Sack

(HARRISBURG) – The wife of Pennsylvania Education Secretary Gerald Zahorchak announced today that her husband is meeting more benchmarks in bed than he was one year ago.

PHEAA Chief: Loans Cut From Budget

(HARRISBURG) – The head of the Pennsylvania Higher Education Assistance Agency today conceded that PHEAA actually stopped awarding college loans three years ago.

Muggers Make Off With TV Meteorologist’s Lips

(LANCASTER) – Perpetrators approached WGAL-TV Meteorologist Matt Ritter in a city alley over the weekend and robbed him of his lips, police said.

‘The Spot’ To Remain Open, Add Marijuana To Menu

(HARRISBURG) – In a reversal of last week’s stunning announcement that they would close up shop, the owners of The Spot said today they will keep the establishment open as The Pot Spot.

Murdoch Buys Central PA Gazelle

(UNDATED) – Media Mogul Rupert Murdoch has succeeded in his bid to take over the Central PA Gazelle.

Murdoch paid $15 for the publication, according to sources in the newsroom who asked not to be named due to shame and embarrassment resulting from their new-found relationship with Murdoch.