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Archive for March 2009

Economic Woes Cause Cutbacks At Gazelle

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(UNDATED) – In response to the economic downturn that is pummeling newspapers everywhere — not just us, okay?!? — the Central PA Gazelle today announced several belt-tightening moves.

The publication’s sole employee, D. Editor, announced several steps designed to offset losses in revenue, including plans to:

  • accept a no-work state job to help pay the bills.
  • eliminate all spontaneous contributions to homeless people.
  • downsize his daily Starbucks coffee from a “Vente” to a “Grande.”
  • cancel his subscription to Guns & Ammo.

We are confident that these reductions will enable the Gazelle to maintain its grueling production schedule of two to four articles per month.


Written by centralpagazelle

March 24, 2009 at 9:37 pm

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TMI Planning Radiation Release To Mark Accident’s 30th Anniversary

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(MIDDLETOWN) – Officials with Exelon Nuclear today unveiled plans to allow Three Mile Island Unit One to malfunction on March 28, in honor of the 30th anniversary of the famous accident at the nuclear plant. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

March 14, 2009 at 5:09 pm

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Beers & Spears

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SPEARS to Patriot-News Editorial Page Editor Heather Long for her JEERS to Acting Labor and Industry Secretary (and apparent Boozehound) Sandi Vito. Long chides Vito for her drunken escapade, adding “It’s a little early for St. Patrick’s Day celebrations” — as if to say getting piss-drunk in public on select holidays is okay. (Note to self: Find out where Heather Long plans to party on St. Patty’s Day.) Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

March 14, 2009 at 4:49 pm

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