THE CENTRAL PA GAZELLE

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Hookers And Blow Win Out Again At This Year’s Pennsylvania Society Gathering

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Waldorf-Astoria(NEW YORK, NY) – Drugs, alcohol, vomit and a mysterious prostitute death were among the highlights of the opulent Pennsylvania Society gathering attended by the state’s political elite over the weekend. Here is a timeline of notable events from the weekend-long soiree, which took place at and around the posh Waldorf-Astoria Hotel in New York City.

Friday, 8:00 p.m. – Democrat John Hangar throws party to launch his campaign for governor.

Friday, 8:14 p.m. – At a party hosted by state Treasurer Rob McCord, Rep. Dan Moul (R-91) tries sushi for the first time, then announces that he hates sushi. Rep. Mike Fleck (R-81) calls Moul a “pussy.”

Friday, 9:28 p.m. – After becoming hopelessly lost on his way to New York, Lieutenant Gov. Jim Cawley pulls up to a brothel in Trout Run, Lycoming County, to spend the night. He has not been heard from since.

Friday, 9:45 p.m. – After no one shows up for his party, Democrat John Hangar officially ends his campaign for governor.

Saturday, 1:45 a.m. – Speaking to a crowd of seven sleeping homeless men not far from the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel, state Auditor General Jack Wagner, who is concluding a two-term stint in office, announces his candidacy for “king of the world.” Minutes later, Wagner passes out in a puddle of his own vomit.

Saturday, 8:30 a.m. – Former U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA) hosts a cartoon-watching party in his hotel room. Attendees take turns doing lines of cocaine off the bare ass of Santorum’s sleeping wife.

Saturday, 9:47 a.m. – Rep. Dwight Evans (D-203) holds an impromptu press briefing outside the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel after news surfaces that police found a dead hooker in the trunk of his car.

Saturday, 1:30 p.m. – Rep. Daryl Metcalfe (R-12) hosts a “fact-finding mission” to Dynamite Dicks, a local gay BDSM club, where he ends up receiving the best blowjob of his life.

Saturday, 5:30 p.m. – At the cocktail hour preceding the Pennsylvania Society Dinner, Sen. Pat Vance (R-31), acting on a dare, successfully completes a backflip off of the hors d’oeuvre table. Vance sticks the landing, then addresses the author of the dare by shouting, “Suck it, Tartaglione!”

Saturday, 6:05 p.m. – Dressed as a pimped-up Santa Claus, Gov. Tom Corbett makes his entrance at the dinner flanked by 24 well-endowed ‘Santa’s Elves’ in bikinis. Corbett is handed a wireless microphone into which he shouts, “These be my ho-ho-hos, y’all!”

Saturday, 6:22 p.m. – An obviously intoxicated G. Terry Madonna of Franklin & Marshall College lumbers to the podium and announces, “This just in – I’ve got some poll numbers for you! I don’t give a rat’s ass about 85 percent of you motherfuckers!”

Saturday, 7:18 p.m. – Rep.-elect Ryan Bizzarro (D-3) presented with “Kookiest Lawmaker Name” award. Republicans force Bizzarro to resign on the spot for failing to acknowledge Jesus Christ in his acceptance speech.

Saturday, 8:53 p.m. – During his speech as this year’s dinner honoree, filmmaker M. Night Shyamalan freaks out attendees by announcing “I see dead people,” then channeling the spirit of late Lieutenant Gov. Catherine Baker Knoll.

Saturday, 9:12 p.m. – Rep. Mike Sturla (D-96), Democratic policy chairman, calls an emergency meeting of the House Democratic Caucus to re-create the smoke-filled van scene from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Sunday, 6:58 a.m. – Rep. Seth Grove (R-196) wakes up in his hotel room only to find he’s spooning Rep. Mauree Gingrich (R-101). Grove gnaws off his left arm, gathers belongings and sneaks out of the room, all the while successful in not waking Gingrich.

Sunday, 11:45 a.m. – Kacey Grove, wife of Rep. Grove, interrogates her husband about a pair of panties she finds in his suitcase from the weekend. Grove concedes that the panties probably belong to either Rep. Gingrich or Rep. Glen Grell (R-87).

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Written by centralpagazelle

December 11, 2012 at 8:00 pm

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