THE CENTRAL PA GAZELLE

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Mayor Thompson Releases Annual Holiday Greeting

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(Linda-Thompson_MayorHARRISBURG) – Mayor Linda Thompson today released her annual holiday greeting. Here is the text of the mayor’s message.

TO: My minions in the fair City of Harrisburg

FROM: The Somewhat Honorable Linda Thompson, Lord-Appointed Mayor of Harrisburg

DATE: The 19th day of December in the Year of Our Lord 2012

RE: Official Mayoral Holiday Greeting

I wish to pause from the extensive duties I carry out on a daily basis as the most excellentist mayor of the capital city and wish each and every one of you a blessed holiday season. Well, except for the Jews. I never have understood Hanukah.

Despite our city’s financial troubles, we have managed to carry on with the people’s work. As you can see, I remain very much in control of the city despite the state-sponsored fiscal recovery plan that is in effect – and which happens to include two state-appointed armed guards who stand behind my desk and watch my every move at all times.

It has been an eventful year in the city, especially if one considers shootings to be events. That is why I am forming a smorgasbord-style coalition to tackle gun violence. Smorgasbord…yummm…that makes me hungry for meatballs.

Sometimes, I hear voices and they tell me to do crazy things.

In addition to my Lord and Savior, this is the time of year when I often think of the fat man with the rosey cheeks. Of course, I’m talking about David Black, president and CEO of the Harrisburg Regional Chamber and CREDC. (What the fuck does CREDC stand for anyway?) Although David and I have had our differences lately, I wish him no ill will. That’s mainly because I know The Lord will smite David’s deranged ass someday – along with the asses of all evil little homosexuals of this city.

Those of you who have come to expect Christmas gifts from me can plan to get some Western artifacts this time around. Just the other day, I gave some to my communications director, Robert Philbin. Imagine my surprise when just minutes later he walked into my office wearing the assless leather chaps, spurs, gun holsters and two pistols I had given him. Let’s just say it was hard to get any work done that afternoon.

That is all for now. For those of you whom I consider worthy – and you know who you are – I hope you revel in the beauty of the season.

Affectionately,

Linda

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Written by centralpagazelle

December 20, 2012 at 1:05 pm

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