THE CENTRAL PA GAZELLE

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Massive Sinkhole Devours All Of Harrisburg, Ending City’s Fiscal Crisis

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Sinkhole(HARRISBURG) – A series of sinkholes that began on 4th Street in Harrisburg’s uptown section rapidly expanded this morning and swallowed the entire city. Though tens of thousands of people are still missing, the occurrence is being welcomed by many in the midstate for finally ending the fiscal crisis that had similarly engulfed the city for the last few years.

Motorists are asked to avoid what had been the city of Harrisburg on their commutes, as it is now a giant, rumbling, steaming hole in the ground.

“All state government offices closed early today,” said Governor Tom Corbett. “Offices under my jurisdiction will also remain closed on Monday and likely on Tuesday, as well, mainly because most of those offices have been sucked into the abyss.”

Most state lawmakers were left unscathed, since they do not work on Fridays.

The Gazelle’s calls to Mayor Linda Thompson’s office, which was also swallowed by the giant sinkhole, were not returned. Calls to Hell were routed to Thompson’s voicemail.

The state officials who remain are making plans to move the state capital back to Lancaster, where it had previously been located from 1799 to 1812.

State Department of Conservation and Natural Resources Secretary Richard Allan said it is “too soon to say” how the giant chasm that used to be Harrisburg will be utilized in the future. But he added “eventually transforming it into some sort of state park is a definite possibility.”

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Written by centralpagazelle

January 4, 2013 at 3:51 pm

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