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Blizzard to butt-slam midstate

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snow_4(HARRISBURG) – A winter storm that promises to wallop the region with up to three inches of snow is expected to arrive any time, leaving central Pennsylvania in a justified state of panic.

“This is the big one,” said Rodney Malarkichek, a meteorologist at the National Weather Service. “It’s been nearly a month since we’ve been assaulted by a storm of this hellish magnitude. By the time it’s all said and done, this blizzard could have people shoveling snow off of their driveways for many, many minutes.”

Schools across the region enacted early dismissals, highways were gridlocked before the first snowflake fell and local gun stores reported a sharp rise in sales of weapons and ammunition this morning.

“Holy fuck, where to begin,” said Governor Tom Corbett at a noon press conference. “For starters, I’m shutting down state government offices until February 6.”

“Holy fuck is right,” said Glenn Cannon, director of the Pennsylvania Emergency Management Agency. “This is survival of the fittest. I’m headed to the store now to buy food and a Bible, then I’m going home to hunker down. I’ll see all of you in hell!”

Midstate residents are being urged to raid supermarket shelves for bread, milk, eggs and other key French Toast ingredients, then knock over as many old ladies as it takes to get to the front of the checkout line as quickly as possible.

Written by centralpagazelle

January 25, 2013 at 1:50 pm

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