A look at what isn't making news across the midstate

Fat, Drunk White Men With Guns Favored Over Deer Again This Season

leave a comment »

Deer_2011_Muzzleloader(HARRISBURG) – Overweight rednecks dressed in orange and drenched in deer piss are once again favored over unarmed deer this rifle deer hunting season.

Wins afield are expected to include four-year-old children blowing away their first deer and elderly, immobile men littering the landscape with bullets from the comfort of a decrepit tree stand or lawn chair.

Among the new rules instituted by the Pennsylvania Game Commission in time for this season are the following:

  • RULE 7-4(c): “Don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes.” This relatively simple language replaces the former rule: “If you see something moving that you think may be a deer, go ahead and shoot it. If it ends up being another hunter, apologize promptly and administer first aid.”
  • RULE 9-2(a): “Should you accidentally shoot and kill a fellow hunter, you may take the carcass home and utilize the meat. (We would recommend for bologna.) If you feel it necessary to photograph yourself with such a kill, we strongly recommend affixing antlers to the victim’s head to downplay the fact it is a human being.”
  • RULE 12-7(d): “Hunters in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania must consume a minimum of four (4) alcoholic beverages before beginning to hunt. Alternatively, hunters may consume three (3) alcoholic beverages provided they pack a thermos with the equivalent of at least one (1) alcoholic beverage.”

One buck, who declined to give his name, said this time of year has both its ups and downs.

“On one hand, I bag a lot of does this time of year. The rut is fantastic in that regard,” the buck said. “On the other, getting shot at while you’re fucking is not as much fun as it sounds like.”

Written by centralpagazelle

November 30, 2015 at 2:41 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: