THE CENTRAL PA GAZELLE

A look at what isn't making news across the midstate

Mayor Linda Thompson Issues Heartfelt, Profanity-Laced Apology To All Perry County Scumbags

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Linda-Thompson_Mayor(HARRISBURG) – Mayor Linda Thompson today issued what she termed “an apology to any of those sister-lovin’ cow-fuckers in Perry County who may have been offended by remarks wrongly construed by some to be offensive.” Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

March 28, 2013 at 3:35 pm

Steelton Man Feels He Has A ‘Pretty Good Shot’ At Being Next Pope

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stoutman_1(STEELTON) – Kenny ‘Walnuts’ Stoutman today announced plans to “run for Pope,” adding he feels he has “a pretty good shot at winning.” Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

February 11, 2013 at 4:39 pm

Blizzard to butt-slam midstate

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snow_4(HARRISBURG) – A winter storm that promises to wallop the region with up to three inches of snow is expected to arrive any time, leaving central Pennsylvania in a justified state of panic. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

January 25, 2013 at 1:50 pm

Local Gun Enthusiasts Disheartened With Renewed Backlash Against Shooting People

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crazed_man(UNDATED) – Midstate gun owners and those who make money off of them are expressing disappointment at the increasing scrutiny that is being placed on the practice of shooting other people. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

January 22, 2013 at 12:00 am

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‘The Bobs’ Facilitate PA Lottery Privatization Deal

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(HARRISBURG) – As he found himself repeatedly barraged with questions over the weekend about plans to privatize the Pennsylvania Lottery, Gov. Tom Corbett referred all of them to Bob Porter and Bob Slydell, the consultants he hired to handle the deal.

the_bobs“Not right now. I’m kind of busy,” Corbett told a crowd of inquisitive reporters at the state Capitol. “In fact, I’m going to have to ask you to go ahead and come back another time. I’ve got a meeting with the Bobs in a couple of minutes.” Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

January 13, 2013 at 11:59 pm

Farm Show: Midstate Woman Judged As Prize Cattle, Sold To Hoss’s

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large_woman(HARRISBURG) – An obese Perry County woman visiting the Pennsylvania Farm Show was surprised when cattlemen suddenly whisked her aside and branded her as prize-winning livestock. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

January 10, 2013 at 5:27 pm

Massive Sinkhole Devours All Of Harrisburg, Ending City’s Fiscal Crisis

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Sinkhole(HARRISBURG) – A series of sinkholes that began on 4th Street in Harrisburg’s uptown section rapidly expanded this morning and swallowed the entire city. Though tens of thousands of people are still missing, the occurrence is being welcomed by many in the midstate for finally ending the fiscal crisis that had similarly engulfed the city for the last few years. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

January 4, 2013 at 3:51 pm

PennDOT Says It’s ‘Extremely Unprepared’ For Weekend Snowstorm

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saltpile_1(LEWISBERRY) – Standing next to a pile of road salt that he described as “terribly inadequate,” state Secretary of Transportation Barry Schoch said his agency is “woefully unprepared” for the snowstorm that could hit the region with as much as four inches of snow over the weekend. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

December 28, 2012 at 5:55 pm

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Blitzen Euthanized On Rooftop Of Camp Hill Home

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Blitzen(CAMP HILL) – Christmas Eve turned tragic when the usually jolly Santa Claus was forced to put down one of his reindeer after it suffered a leg injury during what a spokesman called “a rough landing on a metal roof.” Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

December 25, 2012 at 6:30 am

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Mayor Thompson Releases Annual Holiday Greeting

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(Linda-Thompson_MayorHARRISBURG) – Mayor Linda Thompson today released her annual holiday greeting. Here is the text of the mayor’s message. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

December 20, 2012 at 1:05 pm

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