Hookers And Blow Win Out Again At This Year’s Pennsylvania Society Gathering

(NEW YORK, NY) – Drugs, alcohol, vomit and a mysterious prostitute death were among the highlights of the opulent Pennsylvania Society gathering attended by the state’s political elite over the weekend. Here is a timeline of notable events from the weekend-long soiree, which took place at and around the posh Waldorf-Astoria Hotel in New York City.

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Knoll’s Body Embarks On Final Farewell Tour Of PA

(HARRISBURG) – The interment of the late and very popular Catherine Baker Knoll has been delayed so that her body can make one last round of appearances across Pennsylvania.

Lawmakers Strive For New Budget By End Of New Budget Year

(HARRISBURG) – State legislators from all four caucuses held a ceremony today to sign a pact vowing to pass a new budget for the upcoming budget year by June 30, 2009, which will be the final day of said budget year.

Knoll And Roethlisberger Acknowledge Steamy Affair

(HARRISBURG) – Pittsburgh Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger today disclosed that, in addition to being sacked 47 times this past season by players from opposing teams, he has also been sacked at least that many times in the bedroom by Lieutenant Governor Catherine Baker Knoll.

Declaration Of Add A Caption Winner Sparks Riots In Islamabad

The editorial board wishes to thank those who entered submissions in the inaugural Central PA Gazelle “Add A Caption” Contest. The above photo drew scads of entries ranging from delightfully clever to downright whacked-out-on-crack.

Letters To D. Editor

[In response to “Gypsy Moth Caterpillars Take Toll On Knoll” of 6/18/07]
That’s got to be a sight! I imagine the security forces at the Gap can’t wait for the swim season to begin. Knoll in her thong bikini at the pool — covered with caterpillars.
B.S.

Gypsy Moth Caterpillars Take Toll On Knoll

(HARRISBURG) – Wildlife officials fear the midstate is in the throws of one of its worst-ever invasions of gypsy moth caterpillars, as evidenced by the way the insects have attacked Lieutenant Governor Catherine Baker Knoll.