THE CENTRAL PA GAZELLE

A look at what isn't making news across the midstate

Posts Tagged ‘election

Trump Ignites Dreams For Entire Generation of Racist, Misogynist, Sociopathic Assholes

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boys-554644_1920Young white male douchebags who have dreamed about parlaying their extreme dislike for others into a political career are full of hope and validated aspirations today, thanks to the election of Donald Trump as the next president of the United States. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

November 9, 2016 at 2:04 pm

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Papenfuse Feverishly Reading Up On How To Run A City

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0019(HARRISBURG) – Democratic mayoral candidate Eric Papenfuse was seen today hunkered down in the “Government and Civics” section of the bookstore he owns, The Midtown Scholar, frantically reading through books on city governance. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

June 12, 2013 at 8:59 am

Kane’s Victory A Likely Blow To Her Cookie-baking Abilities

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(HARRISBURG) – Attorney General-elect Kathleen Kane, the first Democrat and first female to be elected to that post in Pennsylvania, will likely have much less time to spend in the kitchen baking cookies come January, aides said. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

November 12, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Fire Crews Hose Down TV Anchor Dennis Owens Amid Fit Of Election Night Euphoria

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(HARRISBURG) – Fire crews were reportedly called to the studios of WHTM-TV abc27 this evening to hose down a frantic Dennis Owens, who was apparently overcome by election night euphoria. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

November 6, 2012 at 11:49 pm

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Completely Straight Republican Spends Night Jerking Off To Paul Ryan

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(LEBANON) – David Litzbaugh, a self-identified heterosexual Republican, said he spent much of last night jerking off to what he called a “superb debate performance” by GOP vice presidential hopeful Paul Ryan. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

October 12, 2012 at 9:12 am

Judge: Voters Lacking ID Must Vote Naked

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(HARRISBURG) – Commonwealth Court Judge Robert Simpson ruled today that Pennsylvanians who lack an acceptable form of photo ID will be required to strip naked before voting on November 6. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

October 2, 2012 at 2:14 pm

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Casey Hastily Launches Reelection Campaign After Learning Of Upcoming Election

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(WASHINGTON) – After suddenly realizing today that he is up for reelection in just over five weeks, Senator Bob Casey (D-PA) began scrambling to put together his reelection campaign. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

October 1, 2012 at 7:03 pm

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