THE CENTRAL PA GAZELLE

A look at what isn't making news across the midstate

Posts Tagged ‘Harrisburg

Papenfuse Feverishly Reading Up On How To Run A City

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0019(HARRISBURG) – Democratic mayoral candidate Eric Papenfuse was seen today hunkered down in the “Government and Civics” section of the bookstore he owns, The Midtown Scholar, frantically reading through books on city governance. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

June 12, 2013 at 8:59 am

Mayor Linda Thompson Issues Heartfelt, Profanity-Laced Apology To All Perry County Scumbags

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Linda-Thompson_Mayor(HARRISBURG) – Mayor Linda Thompson today issued what she termed “an apology to any of those sister-lovin’ cow-fuckers in Perry County who may have been offended by remarks wrongly construed by some to be offensive.” Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

March 28, 2013 at 3:35 pm

‘The Bobs’ Facilitate PA Lottery Privatization Deal

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(HARRISBURG) – As he found himself repeatedly barraged with questions over the weekend about plans to privatize the Pennsylvania Lottery, Gov. Tom Corbett referred all of them to Bob Porter and Bob Slydell, the consultants he hired to handle the deal.

the_bobs“Not right now. I’m kind of busy,” Corbett told a crowd of inquisitive reporters at the state Capitol. “In fact, I’m going to have to ask you to go ahead and come back another time. I’ve got a meeting with the Bobs in a couple of minutes.” Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

January 13, 2013 at 11:59 pm

Farm Show: Midstate Woman Judged As Prize Cattle, Sold To Hoss’s

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large_woman(HARRISBURG) – An obese Perry County woman visiting the Pennsylvania Farm Show was surprised when cattlemen suddenly whisked her aside and branded her as prize-winning livestock. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

January 10, 2013 at 5:27 pm

Massive Sinkhole Devours All Of Harrisburg, Ending City’s Fiscal Crisis

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Sinkhole(HARRISBURG) – A series of sinkholes that began on 4th Street in Harrisburg’s uptown section rapidly expanded this morning and swallowed the entire city. Though tens of thousands of people are still missing, the occurrence is being welcomed by many in the midstate for finally ending the fiscal crisis that had similarly engulfed the city for the last few years. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

January 4, 2013 at 3:51 pm

Mayor Thompson Releases Annual Holiday Greeting

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(Linda-Thompson_MayorHARRISBURG) – Mayor Linda Thompson today released her annual holiday greeting. Here is the text of the mayor’s message. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

December 20, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Mitt Romney Calls Your Mother A Filthy Whore

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(HARRISBURG) – Newly released videotape of Mitt Romney speaking to wealthy midstate donors shows the Republican presidential hopeful calling your mother a “filthy whore.” Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

September 18, 2012 at 9:56 pm

45th Annual Kipona Surfing Competition Ends In Disappointing Tie For 45th Year

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(HARRISBURG) – The surfing competition held as part of Harrisburg’s annual Kipona festival ended in a tie for the 45th consecutive year today after none of the ten surfers who had signed up were able to catch any waves. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

September 1, 2012 at 6:07 pm

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Linda Thompson’s Giant Beaver Blamed For Water Problems

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(HARRISBURG) – Sources are fingering Harrisburg Mayor Linda Thompson’s giant beaver as the cause of last week’s water-main break that shut down several businesses along with city and state government. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

April 27, 2011 at 8:41 pm

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Wagner Releases Whacked-Out Report, Just To See If Anyone’s Listening

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(HARRISBURG) – Pennsylvania Auditor General and former soap opera hunk Jack Wagner today released a broad report on topics ranging from the state budget to sexually transmitted disease, apparently just to see if anyone was paying attention. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

October 8, 2010 at 8:08 pm

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