Corbett Out Of Surgery; Drilling Companies Resume Role As Governor

A spokesman for Governor Tom Corbett said the governor’s hernia surgery this morning was successful, and as a result, a coalition of natural gas drilling companies has resumed its control of Pennsylvania.

Corbett Marks One Full Week Without Insulting Unemployed Pennsylvanians

(HARRISBURG) – As Governor Tom Corbett today celebrated one full week of not making comments perceived as insulting to unemployed people, his office marked the occasion by sending out a press release touting the accomplishment.

Blizzard to butt-slam midstate

(HARRISBURG) – A winter storm that promises to wallop the region with up to three inches of snow is expected to arrive any time, leaving central Pennsylvania in a justified state of panic.

‘The Bobs’ Facilitate PA Lottery Privatization Deal

(HARRISBURG) – As he found himself repeatedly barraged with questions over the weekend about plans to privatize the Pennsylvania Lottery, Gov. Tom Corbett referred all of them to Bob Porter and Bob Slydell, the consultants he hired to handle the deal.

“Not right now. I’m kind of busy,” Corbett told a crowd of inquisitive reporters at the state Capitol. “In fact, I’m going to have to ask you to go ahead and come back another time. I’ve got a meeting with the Bobs in a couple of minutes.”

Massive Sinkhole Devours All Of Harrisburg, Ending City’s Fiscal Crisis

(HARRISBURG) – A series of sinkholes that began on 4^th Street in Harrisburg’s uptown section rapidly expanded this morning and swallowed the entire city. Though tens of thousands of people are still missing, the occurrence is being welcomed by many in the midstate for finally ending the fiscal crisis that had similarly engulfed the city for the last few years.

PennDOT Says It’s ‘Extremely Unprepared’ For Weekend Snowstorm

(LEWISBERRY) – Standing next to a pile of road salt that he described as “terribly inadequate,” state Secretary of Transportation Barry Schoch said his agency is “woefully unprepared” for the snowstorm that could hit the region with as much as four inches of snow over the weekend.

Hookers And Blow Win Out Again At This Year’s Pennsylvania Society Gathering

(NEW YORK, NY) – Drugs, alcohol, vomit and a mysterious prostitute death were among the highlights of the opulent Pennsylvania Society gathering attended by the state’s political elite over the weekend. Here is a timeline of notable events from the weekend-long soiree, which took place at and around the posh Waldorf-Astoria Hotel in New York City.

Kane’s Victory A Likely Blow To Her Cookie-baking Abilities

(HARRISBURG) – Attorney General-elect Kathleen Kane, the first Democrat and first female to be elected to that post in Pennsylvania, will likely have much less time to spend in the kitchen baking cookies come January, aides said.

Wagner Releases Whacked-Out Report, Just To See If Anyone’s Listening

(HARRISBURG) – Pennsylvania Auditor General and former soap opera hunk Jack Wagner today released a broad report on topics ranging from the state budget to sexually transmitted disease, apparently just to see if anyone was paying attention.

Corbett Changes A.G. Moniker To “Office Of The Future Governor”

(HARRISBURG) – Just days after scoring a victory in the Republican primary, Attorney General Tom Corbett today changed the name of his office to “Office of the Future Governor of Pennsylvania.”