THE CENTRAL PA GAZELLE

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Local Cold Weather Snap Proves Global Warming Over, Experts Say

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Frosty Morning in ForestScientists across the world reached consensus today that the snow and frigid temperatures being experienced in central Pennsylvania serve as legitimate proof that global warming no longer exists anywhere in the world.

“We’re not exactly sure why the problem seems to have subsided,” said Bart Heffling, a climate scientist at the University of Phoenix. “But hey, you can’t fight with a thermometer and six inches of snow!”

While agreeing the cause of global warming’s demise is unclear, experts at the National Weather Service agreed recent weather patterns prove it is over.

“This polar vortex thing seems to have cleared that shit right up,” said Joel Rodrigo, a meteorologist at the weather service.

After years’ worth of campaigning for tighter emissions standards and other regulations, environmental groups offered immediate apologies and unanimously rescinded their previous concerns. Some members said they planned to leave those groups and join others focused on gay marriage advocacy, the legalization of marijuana and other matters of importance to hippies.

“We are genuinely sorry for wasting everyone’s time and for accusing businesses of operating without the public’s best interests in mind,” said Nils Quibbleton, chief of climate science at MailOrderDegrees.com, and a former climate change fear-monger. “To actively lobby for steps such as tighter restrictions on carbon emissions was irresponsible. We really don’t know what the fuck we were thinking.”

When asked about unseasonably warm temperatures that the region has also experienced recently, Heffling said, “Yeah, we’re going to have to keep an eye on that sort of thing. But even if we are wrong, it’s just those few people who live along coastlines who will need to worry.”

“Our revised recommendation is that the world just wait it out another 10 or 20 years and see what happens,” Quibbleton said. “I mean really, what could possibly go wrong?”

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Written by centralpagazelle

January 21, 2014 at 4:23 pm

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