Big Lettuce Balks At Taking Blame For Romaine Recall

What many are calling another senseless E. coli outbreak is fanning flames and raising tension on both sides of the debate over romaine lettuce.

Groups that have long spoken out in favor of tighter regulations on lettuce and lettuce dealers say more outbreaks will happen unless romaine is permanently banned from store shelves. But the romaine lettuce industry says it’s getting a bad rap.

Local Woman Stuffs Recalled Turkey With Recalled Romaine Lettuce, Poisoning Guests

Pixabay/A-Ray

(WORMLEYSBURG) – E. coli was the featured dish on Phoebe Boxcutter’s Thanksgiving table, after she served guests a recalled turkey stuffed with recalled romaine lettuce.

Police arrested Boxcutter after a dozen people — identified as family, friends and others who had disagreed with her political views on social media — were transported from her home to area hospitals complaining of stomach pain, projectile vomiting and explosive diarrhea.

Trump Ignites Dreams For Entire Generation of Racist, Misogynist, Sociopathic Assholes

Young white male douchebags who have dreamed about parlaying their extreme dislike for others into a political career are full of hope and validated aspirations today, thanks to the election of Donald Trump as the next president of the United States.

Fat, Drunk White Men With Guns Favored Over Deer Again This Season

(HARRISBURG) – Overweight rednecks dressed in orange and drenched in deer piss are once again favored over unarmed deer this rifle deer hunting season.

Corbett Out Of Surgery; Drilling Companies Resume Role As Governor

A spokesman for Governor Tom Corbett said the governor’s hernia surgery this morning was successful, and as a result, a coalition of natural gas drilling companies has resumed its control of Pennsylvania.

Local Cold Weather Snap Proves Global Warming Over, Experts Say

Scientists across the world reached consensus today that the snow and frigid temperatures being experienced in central Pennsylvania serve as legitimate proof that global warming no longer exists anywhere in the world.

Sheep Looks Back On Blissful, Sex-Free Week At Farm Show

A local sheep noted today how much he enjoyed the eight days he spent at the 98^th Pennsylvania Farm Show, which he referred to as “a much-welcomed reprieve from sexual intercourse on a secluded farm.”

Local Forecasters Really Hoping They Don’t Fuck This One Up

(UNDATED) – Forecasters across the midstate paused momentarily from making their dire predictions regarding Thursday’s weather to say they really, really hope they are right this time.

Papenfuse Feverishly Reading Up On How To Run A City

(HARRISBURG) – Democratic mayoral candidate Eric Papenfuse was seen today hunkered down in the “Government and Civics” section of the bookstore he owns, The Midtown Scholar, frantically reading through books on city governance.

Corbett Marks One Full Week Without Insulting Unemployed Pennsylvanians

(HARRISBURG) – As Governor Tom Corbett today celebrated one full week of not making comments perceived as insulting to unemployed people, his office marked the occasion by sending out a press release touting the accomplishment.