THE CENTRAL PA GAZELLE

A look at what isn't making news across the midstate

Trump Ignites Dreams For Entire Generation of Racist, Misogynist, Sociopathic Assholes

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boys-554644_1920Young white male douchebags who have dreamed about parlaying their extreme dislike for others into a political career are full of hope and validated aspirations today, thanks to the election of Donald Trump as the next president of the United States. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

November 9, 2016 at 2:04 pm

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Fat, Drunk White Men With Guns Favored Over Deer Again This Season

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Deer_2011_Muzzleloader(HARRISBURG) – Overweight rednecks dressed in orange and drenched in deer piss are once again favored over unarmed deer this rifle deer hunting season. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

November 30, 2015 at 2:41 pm

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Corbett Out Of Surgery; Drilling Companies Resume Role As Governor

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Corbett_7A spokesman for Governor Tom Corbett said the governor’s hernia surgery this morning was successful, and as a result, a coalition of natural gas drilling companies has resumed its control of Pennsylvania. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

February 27, 2014 at 1:45 pm

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Local Cold Weather Snap Proves Global Warming Over, Experts Say

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Frosty Morning in ForestScientists across the world reached consensus today that the snow and frigid temperatures being experienced in central Pennsylvania serve as legitimate proof that global warming no longer exists anywhere in the world. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

January 21, 2014 at 4:23 pm

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Sheep Looks Back On Blissful, Sex-Free Week At Farm Show

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sheep1A local sheep noted today how much he enjoyed the eight days he spent at the 98th Pennsylvania Farm Show, which he referred to as “a much-welcomed reprieve from sexual intercourse on a secluded farm.” Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

January 13, 2014 at 11:40 pm

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Local Forecasters Really Hoping They Don’t Fuck This One Up

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tstorm(UNDATED) – Forecasters across the midstate paused momentarily from making their dire predictions regarding Thursday’s weather to say they really, really hope they are right this time. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

June 13, 2013 at 9:00 am

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Papenfuse Feverishly Reading Up On How To Run A City

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0019(HARRISBURG) – Democratic mayoral candidate Eric Papenfuse was seen today hunkered down in the “Government and Civics” section of the bookstore he owns, The Midtown Scholar, frantically reading through books on city governance. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by centralpagazelle

June 12, 2013 at 8:59 am

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