A Message From D. Editor

Dear Readers:

After a lengthy hiatus caused by the need to obtain a full-time position as shopping cart return boy in order to pay the bills, I am happy to report that Gov. Ed Rendell has finally bestowed upon me a no-work job. As a result, I plan to once again sit on my ass and resume publication of the Central PA Gazelle. Please accept my sincere apologies for the months-long interruption in service, and be assured that ridiculousness shall indeed resume.

Humbly yours,
D. Editor

Knoll’s Body Embarks On Final Farewell Tour Of PA

(HARRISBURG) – The interment of the late and very popular Catherine Baker Knoll has been delayed so that her body can make one last round of appearances across Pennsylvania.

Lawmakers Strive For New Budget By End Of New Budget Year

(HARRISBURG) – State legislators from all four caucuses held a ceremony today to sign a pact vowing to pass a new budget for the upcoming budget year by June 30, 2009, which will be the final day of said budget year.

Rendell Switches Presidential Endorsement To Kucinich

(HARRISBURG) – In a move rarely seen in the political arena, Governor Ed Rendell today announced he was withdrawing his endorsement of Senator Hillary Clinton and would instead throw his support behind Congressman Dennis Kucinich, D-OH, who dropped out of the presidential race last month.

Ahmadinejad To Succeed Willey As PHEAA Chief

(HARRISBURG) – The board of the Pennsylvania Higher Education Assistance Agency today tapped Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to succeed Dick Willey as president and CEO.

Law Moves Up Pennsylvania’s Presidential Primary To Tomorrow

(HARRISBURG) – In an attempt to increase Pennsylvania’s relevance in the presidential race, the General Assembly today passed a measure that moves the commonwealth’s primary up from next April to tomorrow.

State Hookers Among Employees Facing Furlough

(HARRISBURG) – Hookers on the commonwealth’s payroll said they plan to work overtime and turn as many tricks as possible this weekend in anticipation of a partial government shutdown.

Senate Moves To Ban Smoking After Sex

(HARRISBURG) – The state Senate today passed a bill that would make smoking after sex illegal.

Bill Would Put Slot Machines In Funeral Homes

(HARRISBURG) – In his latest attempt to expand gaming in Pennsylvania, House Majority Leader Bill DeWeese (D-Greene) announced he’s drafting a bill that would allow slot machines to be installed in funeral homes.

Harrisburg Finishes Removing Snow From Valentine’s Day Storm

(HARRISBURG) – Mayor Stephen Reed today announced that city plow crews have finished clearing snow left behind by the storm that brought the midstate to a standstill in mid-February.